Hey y'all...
It's Carol again. It's been a long day so far, and it's only six thirty at night here.
This is Africa I am about to talk about. In case you don't know how things work here... I'll learn yah something real quick. Africa, Zambia especially, has no sense of time. We walk into Chibote girls school every day not knowing if we'll have PA, not knowing if we'll even have kids to talk to when we get there.
With that in mind, I'll fill you in on how today went. It was hard. Especially for me.
God has broken me on this trip. Everything that could have been taken away has been. Tennessee Williams once said that "Surrender is like being in a burning building, no fire station to call, no ambulance, just the upstairs window to look out of while the house crumbles around you." That's how I feel right now at the end of this day, this week especially. I've given up everything, but it seems like it's still not enough. God always wants more. And I don't have more. There's nothing left. I'm spent.
We got to Chibote today and I set up the illustration. Some of the effects of trauma are written on these balls, and I put them in abucket, and when Tannen was talking about giving things up to God she posed the question, "How can you give this stuff up to God if it's still in your bucket?" She brilliantly used the illustration of Jeremy with explosive diarrhea sprinting towards the nearest toilet. She related it to when our hearts are like explosive diarrhea, and instead of sprinting to God we think it will just go away.
We split up into small groups, and my group of girls were almost completely unresponsive to everything I said. Nothing I did was right. I tried to open up first about a time when I was scared, and one or two people followed my example, but not one of the older kids would talk. They kept interrupting, then they all just picked me apart. I don't pray enough, I don't read the Bible enough, I don't open up enough, I don't talk enough, I'm not nice enough... Then that turned into them telling me that "The Bible says to give in order to receive, so I think you should give me your bag so I can remember you." Then it went from my bag to my necklace, to my bracelet, my watch, the shirt off my back. Everytime I said no they said I wasn't a good Christian because I'm not willing to share. That was like a huge punch in the face. Then they were all playing with my hair and they kept trying to tell me that I should shave it off, and leave it with them so that they can remember me. That really upset me, even though it's just hair, nothing would be enough for these girls. They got mean after that.
I got home tonight and was looking for my drawing pencils and I realized that I had them in the outermost pocket in my backpack... and they were missing. Not missing, but stolen. It's not about the stupid pencils, it's the principle of the matter... They don't respect me at all! It's the first time I've ever lead a group that just walked all over me with no emotion. I've lead a bunch of groups before, and I've always been able to find the right balance of letting it flow, and when to be stern. DANG....God this kind of sucks. Today was so amazing though, because one of the younger girls asked me to pray for her, and she told me about her home life, which made the whole day worth it in the end!
I don't know what tomorrow holds. I'm banking on God for that information. When God really talks to me, I always end up drawing. I am kind of attached to those pencils... but apparently they need them more than I do. I drew a picture today that shows the paradoxical differences between home life and Zambian life. Whenever God is involved it's paradoxical. I miss the ocean, and praying while I'm surfing. I don't like surfing with other people, mainly because surfing is when I feel the closest to God. And, it's so nice to be uninterrupted when you go alone. Maybe it is time to include others though.
That's enough deepness for one night.
This is Carol... signing off!
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